Aw, Hail to the Naw

Was it Whitney Houston that said that? Hell to the No? I’m thinking it was Whitney Houston in that Whitney-Bobby-Barbara-Walters-or-was-it-Diane-Sawyer interview. Hail to the Naw. In any case, it’s hailing here in the mid-south. Eeensy weensy hail, but hail all the same. And it’s only October, and yesterday it was almost 80 degrees. Today it is 45 degrees. It’s as if Mother Nature gave the mid-south over to her fifteen year old daughter to teach her a lesson about responsibility. And being fifteen and fickle, Daughter Nature changes clothes, like, totally, a hundred times a day.

Say it like you mean it
So, yesterday I was a part of a conversation where one person whispered the word “asshole.” As in, said, “My husband can be an asshole.” And then another person said, “I always just say ‘ah-sho-lay‘ instead of “Asshole.” Person one was delighted! And then person two added, “And instead of shithead, just say ‘shi-theed.” Yay! Cursing without cursing! Joy of Joys! Discovery of discoveries!

As you can imagine, I am opposed to the practice of modifying the pronunciation of curse words to create lighter cursewords. Lighter cursewords are words like “phooey” and “crap,” and those words already exist, so there is no need to dumb down a perfectly good curse word. If one means to curse lightly, then one should certainly use words from the “Cursing Lite” approved list (see “phooey”, “crap.”). However, if one means to say “Asshole,” then one should come right out and say “Asshole.” This is what words are made for: to express degrees and intensity of feeling. To define nuances and create accurate descriptions. Words–including “naughty” words– exist so that we don’t have to use cheap adjectives like “nice” and “sad” all the time. So use the word you mean to use, even if that word is “asshole.” “Ah-sho-lay” is for the timid.

Of course, there is a chance I will look back on these blog entries in several years and find them amusing but unfit for sharing because of all the obscene language, and regret my free-flowing four-letter goodtimes, the same way I now look at nearly every photo of myself from my college years, young and pretty and smiling and suitable for framing except for the obvious cigarette and canned beer in my hand.

I am also opposed to the general practice of modifying pronunciation to be clever, like saying “Tarzshay” instead of “Target,” although that one has crept into our cultural vocabulary and I am certainly guilty of using it. Same for “Krozshay” instead of “Kroger.” We have a little cutesy nickname for the Kroger in our neighborhood: “Roger.” It is “Roger” because the “K” was burned out for a sweet three years.

Shit Talker
My patient visit went well today (Best yet! Kick ass, Mama Snee!) and involved a long and beautiful drive into and then back out of the countryside, before the hail started. On the way back to the interstate I stopped at the Wendy’s drivethru, and as expected, currently feel like ass. In fact, I spent the last thirty minutes of my drive back to the office making a conscious effort not to shit my pants. And come to think of it, that’s about when the hail started.

And, in case you were wondering, research has concluded on my office bathroom situation. Thanks to a blind study (meaning nobody else in the office knows I’m even paying attention), and the help of an unaware temp, I have concluded that every single thing you do in that bathroom is audible to the person sitting at my desk, and possibly to the entire office. On the bright side, the entire office population is exactly three people, which leaves only two people to hear you ripping ass in the bathroom. On the dark side, people are definitely hearing you rip ass in the bathroom. And, if you are the temp, people are also hearing you trying to plunge the toilet.

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